the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
