Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You need a sexual gate keeper
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
