I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
