I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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