I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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