i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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