I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
