Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
