The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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