If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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