He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
