i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
