tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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