i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
