My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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