I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
