my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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