What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
