Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
