i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
