watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
