We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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