I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
