i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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