sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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