if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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