Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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