My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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