Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
