so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
