i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
