I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
