There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
