If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
