if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
