Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
