I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
