No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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