"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
