dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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