my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
