Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
