I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
and you fell through a lawn chair
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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