you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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