Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
