he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
