so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
