Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
