I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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