Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
