She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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