I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
