I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
