you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
