Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
